Archive for the 'Life Coaching' Category

I became a coach because I wanted to understand what made people tick – and I guess, what made me tick, if I was really honest.

I was going through a period of making some pretty poor decisions, felt down, frustrated, confused…

Nothing good.

I felt like I never got given the Owner’s manual of the Mind and I REALLY wanted one!

So I became a coach to get the Owner’s Manual.

One of the first things I learned was about what motivated me. It’s called the Six Core Needs, and learning about this changed everything for me in a heartbeat.

We have six core needs which we must meet. We will ONLY do behaviours that meet these needs. More precisely, we only do behaviours which meet the first four needs and the last two needs are the bonus points that explain why so many people are miserable – it explains why I was miserable for years.

The six core needs are:

Certainty – we want to feel safe, in control, certain of ourselves or of our environment. The more certainty we seek the less risks we take, so the less growth we experience, so the more miserable and uncertain and fearful we become. The more certainty we experience within, and the less certainty we need in our environment, the more growth we’ll be willing to experience, the more we’ll seek to learn and discover, so the greater our sense of self worth.

We all need certainty in our lives – how we get that certainty – through controlling others or through believing in ourselves – determines the quality of our lives. The more we think our environment has to change for us to feel certain, the less quality of life we have. The more we take responsibility for our own sense of certainty, the greater our feelings of self worth and thus how we feel about our lives.

Our ability to handle uncertainty around us is directly equal to how much success we experience in our careers. The more uncertainty we can deal with, and still move forwards, the better leader we become.

Variety – The flip side of this is our need for variety or adventure. So whilst we need some level of certainty to function, we also need some level of variety to spice things up. If things are too predictable for too long we get bored, so we’ll spice things up to feel variety.

How we do this tells us a lot about the quality of our lives. If things are cruising along, for example, in a relationship, and we’re ‘settled’, do we stir things up by picking a fight? Or do we stir things up by doing something spontaneous and romantic? Both create variety, but the first response is going to create a lower quality of life and the second choice can improve our quality of life.

One response is functional and resourceful. One response is unresourceful.

Some people don’t want too much variety, and if they get it they retreat and close down and become ineffective. Some people respond to too much variety by becoming a ‘control freak’ to get things back under control. Some people run away.

Some people relish the uncertainty and become even more resourceful.

The more variety (uncertainty) and unpredictability you can enjoy, the more success you’ll have.

Some people don’t want a lot of uncertainty, and are content with cruising along in a middle level role, repeating many tasks over and over, for years. These people need less variety and are perfect for that role. Some people would go nuts in a role like that and need more adventure and variety.

Significance – This one is interesting. The need for significance can be met through our egos, which is tiresome and grating on others. The need for significance can be met through service to others and giving. It can be met through doing something that your proud of, through blaming someone, through yelling… There are lots of ways to meet this need, some harmful and some helpful.

If you blame others for your mess, you’re meeting your need for significance.

If you take responsibility for the mess, you’re meeting your need for significance.

Both accomplish meeting the need, it’s just one way is unresourceful and one way is resourceful.

One way will mess you up more. One way will propel you forward.

Either way, the need is being met.

You can meet your need for significance through being a leader, inventing stuff, solving problems, serving others, facing challenges…

And you can meet it through blaming others, saying it ‘can’t be done’, yelling at someone and sulking.

Connection/love – We all need to feel connected in some way. We may get this need met through a relationship, through meditation, exercise, hiking, praying, writing, talking…

And we could get it through smoking, drinking, arguing…

We WILL get this need met, and as with the other needs, it will either be in a way that is resourceful or unresourceful.

Growth – These final two needs are optional, unfortunately. And here’s the thing – these last two needs determine your level of happiness.

If we grow, we feel good about ourselves, our self worth goes up, our confidence builds, we feel more certainty, we’re experiencing more variety, we’re feeling good (significant)…

If we’re not growing, we feel we’re shrinking, and we could feel we’re ‘in a rut’. We all need to grow in some way. If someone isn’t feeling that great about themselves, it could be because they’ve been avoiding doing the things that could lead to them learning and growing…

Contribution – This final need is another pathway to happiness. (I guess this is why I love coaching). We get to give to others beyond ourselves, which seems to cause our own problems to fade! Contribution combined with growing personally and professionally are sure fire ways to feel great about YOU.

And this is where it gets REALLY interesting – if ANY behaviour meets your three of your needs, you become addicted to that behaviour. You will KEEP doing it, even if it hurts you, because it’s meeting your needs.

If you complain about other people (significance), avoid taking responsibility (certainty), get overly emotional about problems (connection) – you’re going to meet three needs. You WILL become addicted to that pattern of behaviour unless you become aware of how it’s meeting your needs and then find an alternative behaviour that will meet those three needs in a more resourceful and functional way.

We get addicted to behaviour because it meets needs. We give up behaviours if it no longer meets our needs.

If someone loves gossip (variety, connection, significance) and the person you care about doesn’t, you won’t do it, because they won’t meet your needs for variety, significance and connection with their discouraging response.

If you love leading others (certainty of self, variety, significance, connection) and taking responsibility for results (certainty of self, variety, significance) you’ll keep leading.

If you love your family (all needs) you’ll keep giving to your family.

And here’s where it gets interesting – our responsibility is to meet our needs in as sustainable and resourceful way as possible. For example, if someone loves complaining (certainty, variety, significance, connection) (no growth or contribution) – can they do this? Yes. Is it sustainable? As in, if they KEPT doing it would things improve? NO. Is it resourceful? NO. So stop doing it.

Simple, huh?

When you coach your clients, use the model of this we give you in your manual to help your client come to realise how their desire to meet their needs must be met, but how they meet those needs is going to create the quality of their lives.

Trust you enjoyed this, and I look forward to your feedback!

Sharon

Firstly, let me start by saying you’re not alone. 98% of our new students have absolutely NO experience in coaching when they start with us, and no experience with attracting clients either.

That was me, 9 years ago, too.

This is what I’ve discovered… (it would be great if you could add your comments on this at the bottom of this blog, I’d love to hear your feedback)

1. ALWAYS be willing to learn something new about yourself and what makes you tick – Awareness is 95% of the journey.

I felt defensive when I first got feedback about my coaching, and then I realised, if I’m to improve, I need to be open to finding out how to be as effective as I can be. It helped that my mentors listened and gave me thorough feedback.

This is where new, inexperienced coaches seem to need the most assistance -

How to recognise patterns of behaviour in yourself that don’t work so you can do something about it

How to develop new, more effective patterns of behaviour that get great results

How to relax and ‘be present’ to the client, rather than worrying about yourself

How to overcome nerves in those first few practice sessions

2. TRUST the system, even if you don’t believe in yourself

I see too many coaches waiting for ‘self-confidence’ before they have a go. I say the same thing that was said to me when I started out… ‘Don’t wait for confidence in yourself to arrive – until it does have confidence in the system.’

There are many coaches who are successful today who started out with zero confidence, including me. But I did have a system to follow, and support as I used the system, so I chose to believe in that, rather than wait until I believed in myself… BIG relief!

Here’s the weird thing – confidence turns up BECAUSE we take action, not because we NEED to take action. It’s through doing something that we get the very thing we want the most – self-belief. Weird, I know!

So here’s what to do – use the systems and checklists you were given when you first joined, and then adapt them as your confidence grows to suit you and your style of coaching – then you have the best of both worlds – a proven system that suits who you are.

3. RELY on support – you don’t have to do it all yourself

There’s this weird thing about ‘doing it for ourselves’ that can really mess us up… don’t get me wrong, sometimes it’s GREAT to be out there doing it our own way – but when it comes to something new, like your coaching, I highly recommend you turn to the support team that we have provided for you.

You have two mentors, an accountability buddy, a study group, your local Coach and Connect group that meets every month, classes every fortnight where you can ask any question you want, the bonus classes on how to use the system you have… or you can simply email us here and we can help.

The thing about doing it all for ourselves is way over rated, I think. I know it’s hard, because we’re pretty capable people!, but how about letting us lend a hand? I think getting assistance from experts makes a lot more sense than trying to figure it out for yourself.

4. MODEL excellence

As you already know, NLP is the most advanced form of coaching there is, and it’s valued so much for a reason – it gets excellent results.

Modelling is simple – you find someone who has already achieved the results you want, and you study what they do. Then you do the same thing.

And it’s easy to do, because we provide you the models as part of your program.

Just watch them, ask them questions, read their contributions in your manuals, and then do what they do. You will be AMAZED how easy it is to replicate their results.

Remember, if one person can do it using a system, then so can you. All you need to do is follow the same system, and their results are yours.

5. DARE TO DREAM

Sometimes, it just is as simple as… dare to dream.

Sometimes, even though it looks challenging, we need to realise that the challenge is exactly what we need right now, if we’re to grow.

We can’t be comfortable all the time. That leads to becoming stuck in a rut (something I have EXTENSIVE past experience with!) and then self confidence falls, and it’s all yuuuukkkkkk. (technical word!)

So we have to dare to dream that we can make it happen, because we deserve the best, we deserve to succeed and because we deserve to achieve our goals.

I have the following quote at the front of my journal…

‘The world needs dreamers and the world needs doers. But above all, the world needs dreamers who do.’
(Sarah Ban Breathnach, Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy, 1996)

Trust this helps you out, you can let me know by leaving your feedback, insights or comment below