How to coach with love by The Coaching Institute's Matt Lavars

How to coach with love

A fantastic way to help someone really heal and grow in a coaching session is to coach with love (and some science.)

When it comes to helping someone really heal and grow in a coaching session, the most important thing to do is coach with love.

Love is one of the most important ingredients in our lives, and it's something that when added at the right time and in the right amount, will make your own customised coaching recipe—whatever that looks like—memorable and nourishing in a profound way.

As a coach, you probably already intuitively knew that. And while people have known it to be true for thousands of years, science is finally catching up.

When it comes to helping someone heal from a big or small trauma they've experienced—the loss of a relationship, the loss of parents or friends, low self esteem and not believing in themselves, not really believeing they are enough—love is a great cure-all.

When I'm coaching a client, one of the things I want to be really aware of is what's missing inside their lives. A lot of people think they are broken, but no-one is broken.

There's nothing wrong with anyone. True, maybe there's some things they are unaware of, things maybe they have disconnected from. A lot of the time they have disconnected from our own source of love and have shut themselves off from other sources of love.

Sometimes you can have someone who has been so hurt they protect themselves by not letting love back in anymore. It's one of the most common things I see and it's something I deeply resonate with too.

To know how to coach with love it's important to understand an interesting thing about where we all started. That part of our journey is integral to where we are now.

The Imprint Period

Between zero and seven, we form really major beliefs about ourselves and the world around us.

And at the same time in this vital part of our lives, we're also what's called egocentric.

That means we think the world revolves around us. I'm sure you've seen this with children. Kids think the world revolves around them, and at that age it kind of does, and it kind of should.

One of the things about egocentricity is we ultimately take responsibility for everything. And so when a child is growing up between zero and seven, things happen. Maybe a parent is away a lot. Maybe a parent is going through a challenge and is emotionally unavailable. Maybe there's a world change which is creating ripples

Whatever it is, ultimately at some level—usually deeply inside someone's unconscious, in their subconscious mind—they take responsibility for the things happening outside of them.

And ultimately beliefs can form that prevent love from coming in.

For example, I'll only be loved if I achieve.

I'll only be loved if I look a certain way or act a certain way.

Or maybe the perception is that love was withheld from someone at a really early age and the child will think, 'That was my fault. Did I cause that? Maybe there's something wrong with me.'

And as a result, we start to form these negative beliefs that push love out of our lives.

When I'm working with a client it's really important to have these ideas in mind, because ultimately my job is to create a space for my client to learn to open back up and love again.

How to Coach with Love

It's my job to not just know how to coach with love but also to really love my client.

We're moving into a new paradigm in how we can help people, and you can see that if we go back 100 or even 50 years into the past and look at different therapies and ways of helping people.

Most practitioners brought a very cold nature to helping others—think of the old doctor in a white coat taking notes and peering at their client.

That reserved approach, with its formality and rigidity and possibly sense of superiority, makes someone feel they're not important.

Then ultimately they feel even more ashamed of the challenges they have.

Coaching is moving in a beautiful new direction, where it's helping our clients know we genuinely care about them. It's teaching them to allow love back into their lives.

When we come from a space of love, so many of our problems disappear. It's the foundation of all healthy relationships with others and with ourselves.

Learning how to coach with love means showing others where we get our purpose, passion and fulfilment.

Cross my heart, it will change the results you get.

If this is something that resonates with you, I'd love—yes! it's a real theme—you to join me at The Coaching Institute's first How To Coach With Love telecast on June 27.

You'll learn how to heal communities, create change and make a difference as a coach. Listen to your heart on this one.

Matt Lavars is one of Australia's leading coaches, trainers and speakers, and head facilitator at The Coaching Institute. In between mentoring thousands of coaches and leaders all around Australasia and helping others build incredible culture, Matt is passionate about fitness and music. His healthy office lunches whipped up in five minutes are the stuff of legend.

Matt Lavars
Matt LavarsThe Coaching Institute