How one coach went from suicidal to a life on her terms
In this video, Matt Lavars interviews Sue, an Accredited Professional Coach
Here is a full transcript of the interview with Matt Lavars and Coach Sue -
Matt Lavars: So, I would like to introduce Sue who I know- I know pretty well. Two beautiful students would like to share their stories. Please give Sue a round of applause as she comes up. Now Sue is feeling a little bit unwell ... has she been looking after us well? She very selfishly got herself sick.... Alright. Thank you for allowing me to speak to you.
Sue: Thank you. I'll just turn this on. Can everyone hear me?
Matt Lavars: Use that.
Sue: Yeah, it's gonna get...
Matt Lavars: Yeah, so how long have you been with us for?
Sue: I'm coming up to two and a half years.
Matt Lavars: Two and a half? Fantastic.
Sue: It's like very good timing.
Matt Lavars: Yeah, well I see you all the time as well.
Matt Lavars: You seem to be doing like every single training we have.
Matt Lavars: You're loving it?
Sue: Yeah, love it. Yeah, absolutely.
Matt Lavars: Now, I know a little bit about your story, but I know that when you first began ... the person you are right now is not too much of the person that you were when you first said "yes" to you.
Sue: Yeah, absolutely.
Matt Lavars: Which I think is a great advocate of a hero's journey, is that we tend to not say "yes" to ourselves when we work that **** out. Do you know what I mean? It happens beforehand.
Matt Lavars: So, share with us a bit about where you were, and how you started your journey as a coach, and said "yes" to you.
Sue: Yeah, well thanks for asking that. I need to ask permission to get the okay, because my story is quite dark at times, and so for 36 years, I was a people pleaser ... I did everything for everyone around me, and what ended up happening was I had abusive relationships, like really abusive relationships. To the point where they wanted to kill me, and to the point where I thought "**** this, I'm actually going to kill myself", and it was really difficult, like it kinda gets really hard for me to share this- this is actually the first time I'm sharing it publicly.
Matt Lavars: Wow. You're awesome though.
Sue: As I talk, you know- I feel it here, so from that point on, the other thing was ... I didn't have an accepting mother, Most people have really great mums. I didn't have an accepting mum at all for me, so I knew that I was gay from when I was a little kid, but I could never come out, so I waited. You know my dad died the day before my 30th birthday, my mom died the day that I actually gave birth to one of my sons ... Three hours before I gave birth, when I was 29. My brother died shortly after- three years after, so now it was just me and my two sisters, so I didn't really have any grounding of knowing anything.
Matt Lavars: And did they - did you get to ever share with them ... that you were gay?
Sue: No... I was kicked to the side, I was like-
Matt Lavars: So it meant that you just sorta felt like there's such an important part of you, that you didn't get to share.
Sue: Yeah, yeah no. I was the one that was like "Mum's savior" you know. If Dad was gonna be there when she was around, and stuff like that. So it was just huge, like it wasn't just family, but it was personal.
Sue: So then, I was able to come out when she died, I came out at 36, and that was great. I- I- you know ... I thought I had a successful relationship- eight years later I'm single again. Then I went into another one- eight years later ... I'm now single again, but during that time, that is where I found Patrick, and that- ... I'm here ... I'm here. It got really dark, my partner got-
Matt Lavars: Do you feel that you may not have been here if you didn't find Patrick?
Sue: I've got no- I know I wouldn't. My relationship was falling to pieces, I was ... you know ... coming up to the idea... relationship, and I was- I had to give up on it- look after my partner. I was always working 16 hour days, trying to get that house together, and to get back on the market and get it sold. So, that was the issue, but I didn't know what a personal boundary was. I was in such a dark place.
Sue: I didn't pay anything about me. It was just about giving, giving, giving, giving, and-
Sue: Yeah. That's all I ever learned, that's all I- that's how I got on in life, got on and I just went through this phase where it was just so dark. The room was so dim, and I thought "what the **** the point ... what the ****?" I keep giving, I keep giving, and what am I going to do, like there was nothing of me left.
Matt Lavars: It's not working.
Sue: No, nothing worked, and so at that point, it was raining a bit. The rain was really thick, with this darkness, and I though...
Matt Lavars: Wow.
Sue: ...It's like "What?!" Tony Robins, The Coaching Institute (TCI)- it's like, there's hope? There's hope? There's something? And that's known as my... You know-
Matt Lavars: Did you come to an event or something, or?
Sue: Yes. It was a free event on a Saturday.
Matt Lavars: Like during the day you weren't working, or?
Sue: Yeah, yeah.
Matt Lavars: Wow.
Sue: It was like- it was there, and I thought- it was actually the third day that this happened, and the free day was the Saturday, and so I went "oh my god, I can do this. It's only two days ... if I can wait two more days ... I can do this", and Angela was the one that recommended The Coaching Institute (TCI)- the most amazing experience. It was the first time in my whole entire life, that I felt- that I felt something. It's ... still great to feel, because it is, I never knew that I'm deserving of... and now, it's just like I can give back to the community, but I can feel me.
Matt Lavars: Yeah, you can look after you, as you're doing it.
Matt Lavars: Instead of just self sacrificing... taking care of you.
Sue: Yeah, yeah. So along the journey, what I've learnt is boundaries. I never knew boundaries-
Matt Lavars: Hold on, I have to ask. Before you go there, I have to know, when you come along to the event, you said you had that welcome, wanting. Coming from the space that you just explained, how did you make the decision to become a coach? How did you make the decision to do the course? In that space, how did- in that space, how did you do that?
Sue: Yeah, I did it. At first I belonged. I found a tribe, and then what I learnt coming to that training that day, is "****. I can make a career out of this". Like, I was kinda given purpose, it fits me, I fit in. You know?
Matt Lavars: So it sounds like it gave you some purpose.
Sue: Oh, totally.
Matt Lavars: So it's like there's something you can do with your world.
Sue: Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely it wasn't just that I belonged on this world, that I actually could something better. You know, I've done many different careers, like personal trainer, and all sorts of- you know, but when it actually came to that moment, it's like "wow ... this is amazing". I can change peoples lives, it's just changed mine. How many more people can I actually help do this? It was just- and so for me, I don't regret any of my past life. I really don't. What I do is naturally up to here, because if I didn't have that, I wouldn't be here, and we wouldn't be talking right now.
Matt Lavars: That's beautiful, and you were saying about boundaries, so that- we haven't spoken about boundaries a little more, so boundaries is essentially like an invisible force field in-between us and someone else, and so it's kinda like "oh, I really didn't say no", no one to say yes to, we'll usually say no to things that are good for us, people that are good for us, situations, said yes to things that are okay for us, now if these things aren't taught to us, we don't know how to do it. There has to be a taught there.
Sue: Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
Matt Lavars: So what was you experience with that?
Sue: Yeah, so the only boundary I ever knew was a fence line- you know ... around the house that I was restoring, or whatever yeah, and so with that, it actually gave me- it actually gave me a guideline to actually go "I don't need to accept this for me. I'm actually ready, you know. I'm actually just ready of a life. I'm deserving of love". You know? And-
Matt Lavars: And what a huge realisation to have as well.
Sue: Yeah. It was dramatic.
Matt Lavars: To accept that.
Matt Lavars: I mean there's a difference between someone who's telling you that and thinking it, and then you have an experienced in the field.
Sue: Ah yeah.
Matt Lavars: You know-
Sue: Absolutely. I've learnt- I've not just learnt self love, I never want my journey be over money. I don't ever want to land...
Matt Lavars: Me either. It would be so boring, wouldn't it? Imagine just getting to this place where it's just like "Oh, I've learnt to live". What do you do now? Just drink. It would just be boring.
Sue: Yeah. Yeah. I never want to get to that point. During that process of "I'm learning that I could actually love myself, and I can give myself that permission to love me, and that is okay." I also realized the gift that I can give other people during their approach. So much to the point that I actually got a tattoo on my arm just to remind myself, and it says "... no exceptions, no excuses". I don't have to be in that dark place anymore, and I can take pieces of my journey with me to come, and never have to go to that dark place again. So, it's huge what I had happen to me. It's not a curse, it's not anything else.
Matt Lavars: So, you're now obviously two and a half years in, you're approaching clients, you're working with people, you have just grown so much. You have so much more to go, and what is this journey in these last two and a half years meant to you- the difference that you get to make, and who you are, what does this mean to you so far?
Sue: That I'm here. I'm sitting here with you talking. I actually get to coach, and I... to self-love, you know I-
Matt Lavars: Wonderful.
Sue: Yeah, which is really great.
Matt Lavars: Did you ever think that you would do that?
Sue: No, they're the people that I ran from, because they're the people have used me that wanted to kill me, that yeah, and I have ... I actually have five sons, and a daughter, and it's like I'm surrounded by men. It's like I'm destined to question the self-love.
Matt Lavars: Amazing.
Sue: From what I ran from, I now can escape...
Matt Lavars: Amazing. Amazing. I imagine you've got so much understanding, because of the journey...
Sue: Yeah. Absolutely. You know, it's about me as a person too man, of growing, and to show the rest of the world that it's not about hate. You know things can happen to us, but it's our interpretation- it's our perception of what we do, and if we can't- if somebody like me can't bring love to the world after my experience with men, how can I be anything for everybody else. I'm a classic example of what... that has experienced ****, that can go "we are still worth beginning, we are still worth loving".
Matt Lavars: What would you say to someone here that resonates with what you are saying: the stories, the ****, and these very similar journey to you?
Sue: It's not when, and it's not about how, and you- you've got your why, it's now. It's not tomorrow- I'm 52. I went "****! I'm nearly 52, I'm 52 and said wait ... what happened? Where is it?", but I have that happiness that is gonna keep going. It's now. The time is now, it's not tomorrow, it's not in ten years. I don't wanna be- I wanna be a legacy labor, you know? I don't wanna be that person laying in a hospital bed, you know- what's that saying Matt? You probably know it better then I do, at this point. Where there's all these people surrounding, and it's the untold story that there's regrets. Not the told story. So, it's like I have this poem on my arm to remind me everyday that that's where I'm going.
Matt Lavars: Alright. Give her a round of applause.