Key Number Four: You Must Get Rid of the Secondary Gain
Have you ever done something that is harmful to you, recognised it's harmful, and then kept doing it? It could be a recurring negative thought about yourself, such as "I'm not good enough." It could be a behaviour such as overeating. It could manifest as self-sabotage. Perhaps you want to save, and then the moment you get ahead you blow your entire pay packet on something you hardly need.
The payoff, whatever that is for you, has the ability to keep us doing, saying and thinking what we are sure we no longer need. The key to appreciating this is that we only think, say and do what we believe works. On some level, self-sabotage has for us a benefit. No payoff, no repetition.
Don't bother telling yourself right now that you are the exception to the payoff rule. There are no exceptions to this rule.
This key has been understood by psychologists for years. We want to avoid the feelings of failure, of self-doubt, of lack of confidence. We don't want to fail or look silly or risk being rejected or any of the other fears we hold in our heads. The benefit of playing it safe is we get to avoid all of this perceived pain.
If you want something in your life and find yourself falling short at the last moment, or of justifying why you're not doing it, or you see your self-avoiding it, then you are in the grasp of secondary gain.
Most secondary gain is a fear of going outside of our comfort zone. We fear the unknown. We fear not seeing how we can control every step that lies ahead of us. We want to have certainty about how things will play out before we act.
Or so we think.
You can't get happy playing it safe. It is impossible to feel a sense of accomplishment sitting still and convincing yourself that the risk isn't worth it. Every time you talk yourself out of attempting a new thing you move a step further away from who you truly are.
The only thing you can learn through playing it safe is mediocrity.
The only way to discover the courage within you is to act, even when you feel fear.
How to Let Go of Secondary Gain and start living your extraordinary life...
The first step to let go of the payoffs is to get real about what they are. Any area of your life where you have told yourself you want it to be different but haven't changed it is worth looking at.
Identify the area you want to improve. What do you tell yourself about why it isn't how you want it?
Think of the area you want to transform or take to the next level. What has been the payoff of you not playing at that level until now?
What has the secondary gain prevented you from being, doing, hav ing or experiencing? What don't you have in your life because you have had the secondary gain? What do you have that you don't want in your life because of it?
What are you going to take action on now that you have identified the secondary gain? What is going to be different from now on?
The second step to move through the secondary gain is to hold your self-accountable when you become aware of it returning.